Sorry that it’s been a while but before I get started let me just say that I hope everyone is well, keeping safe and doing whatever you need to do to take care of yourself during these anxious times. <3
As you can probably tell I took a little break from writing for my blog, mostly because I decided to move my website from Wix and onto WordPress, which meant I had to re-design the whole thing and I’m a bit of a perfectionist so I stressed myself out so much over getting it right!
Literal blood, sweat and tears went into this new website design!
I have been going through some stuff recently and writing was really the last thing on my mind. I kind of lost all of my motivation but I’m slowly starting to get it back.
This post addresses sexual assault so there is a trigger warning from this point on.
So it is currently 01:40am and I’m can’t sleep because my cramps are so bad and for some reason, I’ve decided that now is a good time to write the main part of my post.
Not sure how this is going to go down but we’re here now.
I feel like I have been holding back with what I’ve been writing and not letting people see the real, frankly quite broken side to me because I’m scared of what the people in my life will think or say if they read this.
Because I think a few people will not like what I have to say.
But I need to be bold. I need to choose not to give a shit. And I need to stop apologising for my existence.
Earlier I told you that I have not been going through the best of times during these past few months. The truth is there is something that I have been internally struggling with for a while and I have to spend a long time not wanting to address but there has been a lot of talk in the media and on social media around this topic recently that has hit close to home.
Whilst I am so happy that sexual assault is being spoken about and awareness is being raised. Seeing it so often online and seeing so many different opinions regarding this topic, especially the negative ones, have been a bit re-traumatising for me.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was sexually assaulted and I really thought that I got there. I thought that I was a survivor and that I was going to be okay.
But I’m not, I am really not.
These past few months have made me realise that I can’t keep carrying this weight around with me. I can’t keep pretending that this awful, awful thing hasn’t affected me, because even though it happened a long time ago, I still think about it every day.
And it doesn’t matter how many times I cry about it or convince myself that I’m too strong to let it get to me.
So, I am going on a journey.
A journey toward healing, I hope.
I have recently been put into contact with an amazing Non-profit organization called One in Four, that support survivors of sexual abuse and violence by offering counselling and other forms of support and hopefully soon I will be put on their waiting list and I will finally be able to take the first step towards healing.
Writing this post has been very scary but I feel a little bit less broken now that I have.
I don’t think I’ll ever be normal again because of what happened to me but my spirit has been broken for a long time and I want to start picking up the pieces, one at a time.
No matter how long it take.
Figuring out how to be true to yourself is the most terrifying and thrilling thing you can do.
Love past em x